Why is it that some of us fall in love with our pets and others can look at them as 'just animals'?  I fall into the first category and it is wonderful while they are with us but so difficult when they are taken from us.

Back in June, after catching, and killing, nine mice in my basement I decided it was time to get another cat.  Our wonderful orange tabby, Calimari, had only been gone a few months - liver cancer - but I thought training a new kitten would help keep the mice out of the garage and the house.  One day at the vet I was drawn to the kitten adoption window and there was a tiny calico, gray and pale orange and white.  Something about her just drew me in.  After playing with her, then bringing Darcy in to play with her, I adopted her and brought her home.  She was so tiny, only 2 lbs, that we kept her in the old puppy crate on a table.  Plenty of room for her to play and have her litter box but safe from the ever curious Bouviers.

Bella and Nina were great with Calimari so I thought they would get used to the new kitten too over time and tried to introduce them slowly.  After Liona was spayed earlier this month I started giving her some time outside and started letting the dogs out at the same time but watching them very closely.  The dogs had their shock collars on so if they made a move toward the cat they were given a reminder to back off.  Things seemed to be going well.  Until today.

I drove up the driveway after church to be greeted by Nina and Bella outside and then saw Darcy holding Liona.  After I parked we put the dogs in a down and after a while Darcy let Liona down.  The dogs watched her but as long as she was walking slowly they stayed where they were.  Unfortunately, Nina saw her move a little quicker and she ran toward the cat and so did Bella.  Liona climbed up a tree pretty far so I started in the house for the shock collar transmitters but was too slow.  Liona jumped down and Bella grabbed her then Nina joined in.  Darcy ran down the ditch trying to pull the dogs away - I used a high shock on Bella and she backed off but Nina did not have a collar on.  Darcy struggled with her trying to get her to let go - she didn't listen or obey any commands and Bella kept trying to get back in but I kept shocking her.  The neighbor heard Darcy screaming at the dogs and though they were attacking her and came to help.  He ended up dragging them up the ditch to me and I got them in the house. 

Liona was just laying there and looked shocked.  Darcy tried to wrap her in a towel and then carry her up to me, struggling to get a foothold - she had lost her shoes in the leaves and rocks.   I took Liona from her and wrapped her as I got her to the cat carrier.  She meowed one last time as I cuddled her and I realized when I set her in the carrier she was dead.  In the hope I was wrong I still called the emergency vet number and when he called back a few minutes later I was sure it was too late.  He met us at the clinic and they will cremate her body.

I just felt this incredible sadness and guilt.  So sad that the little animal that had become a regular part of my life so quickly was gone and guilty because I could not do anything to stop it. Guilty because I could not control my dogs. Of course there are all sorts of what ifs - what if Nina had had her shock collar on, what if we had the transmitters outside with us, what if Liona was in her crate, what if Liona would have just stayed in the tree til we got the dogs, what if Nina and Bella had obeyed, what if, what if, what if......  The fact is that the dogs are herding dogs with a strong prey instinct and working together did what came naturally.  At no time were they aggressive, no growling, in fact they did not ever even bite her.  They chased the running prey and caught it and held on - harder the more she fought to get away.

I spent quite a while on the Internet reading about prey instinct, trying to figure out why they never treated Calimari in this way.  But that is relatively simple.  Cali was here first and let them know that she ruled this house.  Liona was not high enough in the pack for them to leave her alone.

Tomorrow, or I should say later today since it is 1:25 AM, I will call to inquire about more training for the dogs, and especially me, so this does not happen again.  Nina and Bella will never be allowed out of the house without their collars again, regardless of training, and I will spend more time working with them on basics again.

So here I sit, unable to sleep, seeing her little face, hearing her purring as she cuddles with me, and listening for her meow from the garage.  Another little part of my heart gone with the death of a beloved animal much too soon.  I do hope the Rainbow Bridge exists and Liona has found Hattrick and Calimari.

Layers of "stuff"

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon with a bowl of furniture refinisher and 0000 steel wool trying to cut through years of dirt and grime as well as old varnish and stain on a 1950's era waterfall cedar chest.  I happened on the chest in a furniture consignment shop last week where it sat among several coffee tables.  The unique shape and the size looked perfect to use as a 'coffee table' in my family room so after circling around it several times, checking out the inside as well as the side hidden compartments, and studying the grain of the wood I bought it.

Anyone that knows me well knows I have rather eclectic taste in furnishings.  I love anything old with character and actually enjoy the challenge of refinishing and restoring pieces to use in my house. This chest called me to take it home, clean it up and give it new purpose.  But of course that meant one more thing on the 'to do' list! 

Mick and I started working on softening up the finish on Tuesday afternoon but quickly ran out of refinisher.  Even after the first few minutes of removing the soft goop it was evident there was more beauty to be discovered under the layers of 'stuff'.  After hitting the home improvement store and restocking supplies of refinisher and a new pair of rubber gloves I set to work.  The longer I worked on it the more beauty was revealed.  Years of 'stuff' had really covered the beauty of the wood and the uniqueness of the design - a slow, unintentional building of dirt and dust building in the slight scratches and sticking to the finish built up an artificial cover. 

The back was a solid dark brown, not the color of the stain used on the rest of the cabinet.  It appeared that it had been painted to give a solid color for the back.  It took almost an hour to soften and remove the paint that was adhered to the original finish but it was well worth it to find the beautiful grain and colors of solid cedar.  While I worked on this area I couldn't help but think how this must be what we look like after years of living.  A few character scratches, some artificial coverings to hide what may be considered less than desirable, but mainly layers and layers of 'stuff' that cover us and our true beauty.  God can look at us and see through those layers but to really shine we need to work at softening the hard outer coatings and removing them, layer by layer, to reveal our true unique self.

Easter morning 2010

This past week I have been away from my home church.  My holy week was not as routine as those in the past - band rehearsals, work the booth Maundy Thursday and Good Friday and back in the booth for at least one service on Easter morning.

Last Sunday we worshipped at the Greenvile Free Methodist Church in Greenville, IL.  Mickey soloed on Were You There (Moses Hogan arr) and the church did a re-enactment of the events of holy week.  I found myself visualizing the actual places in Jerusalem while the readings were read and it was a wonderful experience.  Although I didn't feel the Israel trip allowed enough time to sit and reflect at each place we visited it obviously left an impression on my subconscious.  It has been great to look back at the pictures I took while on the trip also.

On Maundy Thursday we worshiped at First United Methodist Church in Plant City, FL - Dave's church down here in Florida.  We ate a seder meal during a reenactment of the last supper.  I know our home church was planning a communion service in the round with dramatic readings and it was going to be on a grand scale technologically but I don't think that made this small church reenactment any less important.  Different people, different places, all worshiping the same God and celebrating his sacrifice for us.  Pretty amazing!

I have to admit this doesn't quite feel like Easter Sunday to me.  The family is split up - Dan is working at St. Peter's UMC in Blue Springs, MO so Kristi and Darcy drove there to spend the holiday with him and his friends.  Mickey is here in Florida with Dave and I and plans are to meet Devin & family at a restaurant about 85 miles from here for an early dinner.  That is the strange part for me.  Not having a home cooked meal and hanging around the house on Easter feels strange.  I know we ate at a restaurant together on Easter 2008 in Modling, Austria but it was a unique celebration that day.  This just feels odd to me. 

Oh well, with the kids going separate ways after this summer I will have to rethink what is normal on holidays for the future.  Right now I'm just going to concentrate on how blessed we are and pray that we will always find time to 'get together' even if it isn't on a holiday!

Preparations

We're less than one week away from leaving for our trip to the Dominican Republic.  16 high school students and 4 adults going on a mission to a country we have never seen.  I guess this one is a bit of a leap of faith.  When I led the first group of high school youth to Mexico eight years ago, I had been there previously with a group of adults so it was familiar territory.  Nothing familiar this time except we have American missionaries there to arrange things for us.

As far as we know, we will be building a wall of cement blocks around the church camp where we will be staying.  We know it is a rural area and not much more.  So we've tried to prepare our team using all the information and suggestions gathered - anti-malarial meds are in hand, typhoid shots and tetanus shots up to date, and we are stocking up on insect repellent. 

My sofa is covered with all the 'stuff' gathered to pack for the trip yet I know somehow I will get there on Saturday without something I should have packed.  The good news is that it really won't matter - I'll get by.  My most urgent prayer is for safety for the group and that God will give me and Adam, Sarah and Mike, the strength and patience we need and the right words all the time regardless of what happens.

Look out Bani - the Living Word youth group will be there soon!

Dress shopping for the wedding or Who designs this crap?

You would think that after spending the past 17 months exercising and dropping 94 lbs I would really look forward to shopping for clothes.  Not so!  Especially not for Dan's wedding. 

Oh, it began with some excitement - anyone that knows me knows I love to shop - but all it took was going through the dresses available at one store to realize that things hadn't really changed between the size 28/30 me to the 16/18 me.  I'm still carrying 45lbs too much and realistically that will not just disappear in the next few months.  All the dresses I looked at are designed for the size 2/4 figure and then they just make them bigger to fit the larger sizes.  Needless to say, it's alot like pressing the zoom button - the picture enlarges but it looses something in the end.

Today my friend, Doreen, and I went dress shopping again.  It's the end of February and all the stores tell me it is really pushing it to try to order a dress in  my size and expect to get it by a June 12 wedding.  Of course there is no such thing as buying one off the rack!  The interesting thing is how they expect you to 'try on ' dresses that are at least three sizes too small and make a decision which one looks best on you.  I actually had a saleswoman today tell me 'just put your arms through it so you can see how it will look."  My arms didn't FIT in it and how could I see how it looked when it was just a bunch of material hanging in front of me?  But they expect me to not only do that but to then fork out $500-$800 for a custom fitted dress that I have never even seen on myself.

To add insult to injury, these 'mother of the bride/groom' dresses are so matronly it's appalling!  Who decided that bolero jackets were chic and looked good on middle aged women, especially those with any bustline to speak of?  And where do they find the lace for some of those things - rejects from the tablecloth factories?  Really, people, how many women wearing large size dresses look good with the flappy arms swinging around in sleeveless and, worse still, strapless dresses?

The highlight of the day was meeting the owner of Sydney's Closet, a store specializing in bridal and prom dresses in sizes 14 - 44.  She was busy and we didn't have an appointment but she found the time to bring out a number of dresses for me to try on and even brought out a new design that is not in production yet.  This original design was the best I've seen yet and she asked our opinions on changes to make to the dress to make it better before the final design goes to production.  She is the first person I have met in any of these specialty stores that is interested in making formal clothes that fit and flatter the larger figure. 

Since that dress is not in production there is very little chance that I could get it for the wedding so I am back to square one.  It's frustration and depressing.  17 months of exercising 6 days/week and eating right, losing all that weight, and going from the high of being proud of my accomplishments to the low of being the fat girl that can't find anything nice to wear.  Really stinks but it is what it is.  I'll just keep looking.

BTW, Doreen is a saint.  She spent the entire day with me, at four different stores, and offered to go again next week!

Today

Well, the snow storm of the past two days was a dud according to most.  Predictions of 3-6 inches turned to rain, mix and 2 - 4 inches, which actually resulted in rain, slush, and 1-2 inches here in Eureka.

Now that is not a big deal to most people but I live in a house that has Mt. McKinley as a driveway (well, maybe not that steep).  Every time we get any precipitation with temps around or below 32 my driveway glazes. If the snow accumulates that just adds to the problem.  What does that mean?  It means even the 4 wheel drive won't always make it to the rear garage or down to the street without sliding to the ditch.  Needless to say, I keep a supply of salt in the car and in the garage.

Today, even though we only got about 1.5 inches, I dressed in the warm clothes and headed out with my trusty snow shovel in hand to tackle the beast.  It's either that or be stuck in the house til the big melt arrives.  Because I have a really difficult time doing mindless work - ok, physical work - I plugged in the iPod and began thinking about what was going on in my mind at that moment.

Calimari, our cat of 11 years, has been acting pretty strange lately and twice has disappeared for 24 hours.  She took off Thursday night,  during the rain and was not home this morning when I went out to shovel.  I was worried that she might not come back home and realized I was not ready to deal with the loss of another pet.  How would I tell Darcy?

My mind immediately took be to a conversation with God.  Not one of those, 'if you do this for me I'll do something for you' discussions, just a discourse on why and how I would work through it with His help.  I came to the conclusion that I had absolutely no control over the situation and she would come home if that was meant to be.  Knowing the control was in God's hands not mine just eased my mind.

Ok, by now the snow shoveling was getting tedious and I was sweating.  As I said, physical labor is not my forte.  But the driveway had to be cleared so all of the Greenville students could make it up for the Super Bowl party tomorrow so I slaved on.

About that time I saw my neighbor drive off in his truck pulling a boat.  Now why would you take out a boat in 32 weather?  I suppose he was taking it to a storage area - there is one very close to our neighborhood.  I put it out of my mind and started singing along with the Metallica song - good thing no one was close by.

Soon the neighbor drove back with just the truck - aha, I was right about the storage - and parked.  Our houses are on over 3 acres so the buildings are not really very close together.  In fact, because of the heavy woods surrounding us we only see the houses after all the leaves fall.  Next thing I know I see movement near the end of my driveway.  There was my neighbor - we have only met breifly twice- with shovel in hand and he climbed up the driveway and helped me clear it.  We talked as we worked and learned a little more about each other's family and he told me if I ever needed anything during the week when Dave was gone to give them a call.  Pretty awesome that in this time of 'keep to yourself' or 'don't bother me' there are still REAL neighbors and I'm lucky enough to have one just down the hill!

God does look out for us even when we least expect it.

BTW - when I got back up to the garage Calimari was purring in her bed!

Welcome

After remaining lost and ignored for two years I decided to clean up my blog and start from scratch.  Why, you ask?  I'm not really sure.  Maybe it's because I have things to say but no one specific to say them to.  Maybe it's because I find myself looking for an outlet to share my thoughts with no one in particular.  Maybe it's because subconsciously I always wanted to write.

Whatever the reason(s) here it is and here it begins anew.